Do You expect that disconnected phone to ring?
But now, this is what the Lord says – He who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
Life without wifi sucks!
Here I sit, no wifi no data no stream…
Stuck in a hospital for the night while my precious daughter has her EEG and all follow-up routine tests again.
I have no power cables for my many other devices I brought with, meaning I will run out of something to do on social media eventually causing me to have to sit down with my thoughts and write. Something I have put aside now for many weeks while finding the inspiration to start it up again. Sharing my life and thoughts and feelings with the world started as my way of working through my minds thoughts, a way for God to show me the revelations He needed me to see. It started out as little lessons He wanted me to see within myself in order to grow and become independent of my need for affirmation and encouragement from people and loved ones around me. I learned so many lessons within these blogs, so many hard and real realities of man and mans ways towards others, this including my own. I have shared them with you, in prayer that they would assist you in dealing with your own thoughts and healing as it has helped me understand Gods plan in my life. I hoped it would assist others to have perspective within their paths. On this path, I have seen how people disappear in your life and how new ones enter with every season, and I have felt the pain of losing family, blood as well as spiritual, in life removed from this world, as well as connection. Just the mere fact that paths separate and great friendships become harder to pursue due to time and distance have made me realize the need to make every second count.
On this path, I have seen how people disappear in your life and how new ones enter with every season, and I have felt the pain of losing blood family, as well as spiritual family, in life removed from this world, as well as connection. Just the mere fact that paths separate and great friendships become harder to pursue due to time and distance have made me realize the need to make every second count, to connect.
The pain of loss is so real, although we become stronger in each trial and each season, although we grow up and become wiser and less over sensitive with life and life’s realities. The fact that each human being is just trying to keep their heads above water, most of the time not realizing the full picture of their actions and also not always seeing the big picture of their path and how it affects another. I have grown in grace towards man. I can only thank God for that, as seeing what man does is hard to fathom sometimes. But I am grateful for the hand of God in my life and the Holy Spirits clear vision He shows me through the eyes of my Father, to have the love for His people like He had in order for Him to have given His son to die on the cross to forgive our ungrateful and undeserving souls.
But I have needed to learn more..
So for the past six months, we have been soaking in the word within each service we attend on Sundays from our Pastor at our new church. It has been a necessary time for myself and Brendon to just listen and take in what God gives every Sunday we attend, whether it has been with the online church or actually being in the congregation, we have fully enjoyed just being, no serving no expectation no connection just the two of us growing together. It’s been such amazing words being preached and with that, I have been blessed with so many amazing worship and praise songs that God has downloaded to me through His Spirit, songs of growth and healing to my soul and further steps in seeing His hand with what He has planned for this special gift He blessed me with that burns words that tend to consume my mind at all times, He has connected me to new friends across countries and made my world so much bigger. But in reality I am disconnected.
Being disconnected here where I am sitting, left with my thoughts has made me realise. I have been rebellious towards Him,..again. I have been wanting to write for weeks but excused myself from doing so by rather keeping myself busy with social media and mindless streaming, as I have willingly disconnected myself from His church and its people, due to the fear of stepping back in after 15 years of serving. Knowing full well that what God burns inside me will never go away, because He is relentless in His persuit of my heart, but I have not been wanting to put my heart out there again, in fear of disappointment. Of course, I never would have admitted to this because then all my lessons over the past two years would have been for nothing if I put it on paper that I fear disappointment from man! That would mean I don’t trust the one that has carved out my path.
I do trust Him, but I realize that through this disconnection from the web, it is just again His wake up call to say “The time has come, I have left you to rest and strengthen your heart for a time. Now it’s time you give me back what is mine.” God gives us gifts, mine a gift that I cannot get out of my head, words that consume my mind day and night, melodies, rhymes, thoughts and letters that feels as if I stand in the middle of a desert as He opens above me a book out of which He shakes letters to fall all over me, a steady stream of words shaken above me that covers me and lays all around me to pick and place within the sentences of these blogs and songs the Holy Spirit strings together. A talent for writing? No, it’s nothing I could ever lay claim to, it’s a gift from the Spirits hand. At times I look back and read what He has helped me me write and I am amazed at His hand on my life. How can I not trust Him? How can I not believe His path for me? It’s not one to bring glory to me, to put my name on a cd to give me credit in any way. It’s His hand over me to bring Honor and Glory to Him. It’s my desire to live my life sold out for my King. To be used by the one that created me. To hear and see that the steps of my path could help others deal with theirs. To see that no matter how hard a step, God’s plan is for the greater. To see the plan and to realize that there always is one, no matter how hard the circumstances.
I think my fear has been in the past few months, that others don’t see and understand or even trust in what I believe God is doing with my untrained life. My fear has been that people would think what I do is for my own elevation and attention seeking. My desire has been to step up and be courageous but fear that people would look at me and think it’s all about me. I fear that through my desperate desire to be humble before my King and for my King, it has made me weak, in fact, and not courageous with my faith. I have been hiding, willingly between the stories and emptiness of others social media posts. I have willingly streamed for hours attached to a screen looking at things that make no sense and definitely leaves me in an empty space free of thoughts and feelings within my mind. The disconnection I placed myself in with His bride and my willingness to just BE and live an uncomplicated and a life without anyone’s expectation on me has left me disconnected in more ways than one, not just electronically.
I disconnected myself from HIM.
You see, we can choose to occupy our minds and thoughts with this worlds many distractions, or we can fill up on what He has to offer within His Kingdom and the growth there of. And His Kingdom includes all His people too.
Although I understand that this space I have been in, was a necessary one for me to go through, I also understand now how people feel when they are in this space, and can relate to the unwilling feeling of stepping out of it. The feeling of not wanting to hear the truth, not wanting to push in or even step out. I can understand now, how it feels to choose to stay in the dark, to look at the light and fear it for what it would highlight in the shadows of our lives hidden by the dark.
God gave me this time to see, to see the hurt within us, the fears the pain and the realities of our thoughts controlling our actions. But I am so thankful for the wake-up call. For the strong love, Father God has for me, to not leave me there. I am thankful to Him for his light. The light that casts shadows out, bringing them to the light and helping me to walk through them stronger on the other side.
Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.”
My disconnection to wifi creating an obvious impossibility to connect to the outside world from within these four walls of which I was confined to for the 16 hrs of testing my daughter now isgoing through, has shown me that my disconnection to Jesus and his church has created an obvious impossibility to connect with the desire God has for me to be apart of him. My stubbornness and fear through a desire of humility versus boldness have caused me to be less effective. My choice to stay in the safety of my home and only connecting to people across the seas about my music due to fear of once again being disappointed by people that can not see this dream of mine has caused me to feel disjointed and even more alone.
Jesus says ‘remain in me’ but I am not the only one that is seeking this. We are all connected to Him, and we all form apart of this path, together. It’s not a walk we can face all the way on our own. He wants us to connect with each other, working together makes us stronger. connecting with people and a vision makes us more effective and bolder for our God.
There was a great King in the bible that wrote many psalms with authentic and transparent thoughts and feelings that He endured, times crying in desperation toward God within His feelings of disconnection. But He always clung to The great I AM. Reading one of His desperate pleas in Psalm 22 I saw and felt the reality of His circumstances, and yet He pushed through in Faith and trust always seeking Gods plan and to do the works He was called for. He had to connect to Gods people to ensure Gods plan was to come to fruition for His life.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me; so far from my cries of anguish?
My God, I cry out day by day, but you do not answer, by night, but find no rest.
Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the one Israel praises.
In you our ancestors put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them.
To you they cried out and were saved; in you, they trusted and were not put to shame.
But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
All who see me mock me; they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
“He trusts in the Lord,” they say.
“Let the Lord rescue him.
Let him deliver him since he delights in him.”
Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust you, even at my mother’s breast.
From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother’s womb you have been my God
Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help.
Many bulls surround me; strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
Roaring lions that tear their prey open, their mouths wide against me.
I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint. My heart has turned to wax; it has melted with me.
My mouth is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth; you lay me in the dust of death.
Dogs surround me, a pack of villains encircle me; they pierce my hands and my feet.
All my bones are on display; people stare and gloat over me.
They divide my clothes among them and cast lots for my garment.
But you Lord; do not be far from me.
You are my strength; come quickly to help me.
Deliver me from the sword, my precious life from the power of the dogs.
Rescue me from the mouth of the lions; save me from the horns of the wild oxen.
I will declare your name to my people; in the assembly, I will praise you.
You who fear the Lord, praise Him!
All you descendants of Jacob, honor Him! Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!
For he has not despised or scorned the suffering to the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from Him but has listened to his cry for help.
From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly; before those who fear you I will fulfill my vows.
The poor will eat and be satisfied; those who seek the Lord will praise him- may you hearts live forever!
All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the Lord, and all the families of the nations will bow down before him; for dominion belongs to the Lord and he rules over the nations.
All the rich of the earth will feast and worship; all who go down to the dust will kneel before Him – those who cannot keep themselves alive.
Posterity will serve him; future generations will be told about the Lord.
They will proclaim his righteousness, declaring to a people yet unborn; He has done it!
And so I leave with you with this, Are you willingly disconnecting from Gods church and His people due to fears and disappointments?
Are you willingly replacing the word of God with mindless streaming and social media, causing a disconnection with our God the Father the Son and His Holy Spirit?
Have you felt rebellious in your choices to step out and take yourself out of this race?
Have you decided that removing people out of your life, is safer, and feeling that you don’t need people to be part of the greater plan God has for Your life?
Have you although you feel you have not stepped away from God and spending personal time with Him, felt that the church is just not the place God wants you to be as that is where people hurt you and others?
I want to pray that as God has plucked me out of the darkness and the disconnection I caused, and how he replaced it with His forgiveness His love and His peace and a love for all that he loves, a courage to step deeper into boldness for Him. I pray He releases that to you, that He will flood you with His love in such a way that all feelings of unworthiness or fear of judgment from others, and fear of connection due to disappointment will be released from your life.
I pray God will show you a clarity like never before, and that by opening your heart and your mind to the Holy Spirit that you will see how desperately you ARE needed in Gods church, that your unique calling is a specific puzzle designed for the completion of Gods kingdom, and that for its completion YOU ARE NEEDED.
THE TIME IS NOW! Give Him back what is His. Because He wants you to be real with Him, He is just waiting for you to make the choice, so choose…
Connect to All that is in him, and chose to not allow the thoughts to cause your disconnection.
Be brave and step back in.
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