THIS JOURNEY – UNLOVEABLE – my song of break through to truly see how gently he cares for my heart and yours.
The Lord will fulfill his promise to me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.
A dream hidden deep down, thoughts pushed aside long forgotten in fear of never being good enough, occurrences perceived that cause insecurities for me to feel like I will never be good enough to be heard or seen.
Have you ever received a word that you felt could never be true. But even though you thought it was impossible, your heart yearned for its outcome to be for you?
As a young girl, I grew up (in my mind) the ugly duckling, a skinny, fuzzy haired, freckled faced and braced teeth duckling. Youngest of four and sister to, which I still believe and is greatfull for today, the most beautiful and loved human being God ever created, my sister Riska Roulstone and my biggest supporter on this journey.
I never truly felt like I fitted in, although I was part of a large group of beautiful girls in my friendship circle at school, I never fully felt like I fitted the mold. I didn’t have blond hair and blue eyes firstly, and I wasn’t particularly clever ( or rather today I see that I actually just never applied myself to even try) I didn’t have any specific talents or aspirations, and really wasn’t that keen on any sport or excessive exercises , I kinda just floated through school, trying to fit the mold and be accepted or even just liked. I loved singing but choir wasn’t cool in high school you know.
I didn’t have my own identity really if I look back. I didn’t know who I was in Christ, I didn’t take the little ember that was always burning inside to become the fire it is today because I feared I wouldn’t be good enough, or people wouldn’t like what I could offer. I feared the rejection.
I was always just wanting to fit in and be liked. I wanted to be ‘everyone’s cup of tea’ not just some.
As the years went by, I grew up. High school was not a positive experience for me-I felt I lived in the shadows of my mothers ‘perfect score’ past at my school. I lived in the expectation of teachers I could never fulfill so I didn’t even try. And I felt ugly so therefore unloved. I was ditsy and clumsy, and always seem to fall short of my parents expectations, so why even try.
I had boyfriends later on that made me feel better, and I found joy in the party days of dressing up and being seen. But it never fully filled the longing and the dream I had inside.
There was one person though, that from the age of 16 entered and left my view and heart quite a few times, a boy that could make my heart skip a beat by just being in the vicinity. My sisters best friend.
But it would be years before God would open the door for me to finally get the guts to make Him realize how I felt, and for the timing to be right. But when the timing was right, I became the happiest girl around. I imagine it’s how a guy feels when driving a brand new sports car, when others see Him climb out of His incredible new machine. That feeling of… ‘YEAH, KEEP LOOKING, THIS CAR IS MINE!’ Hehehehe
Brendon Venter was mine! The hottest most handsome, kindest and most gracious man with a heart of gold and a nature I could put so closely to that of our Father… and He loves me!
He Chose me. I felt Love for the first time-a love that was JUST MINE-no one else’s. Don’t get me wrong, I grew up in a family that loved us all. We were a happy family, but I was looking for this individual love, something that was mine, and mine alone. That thing people talk about, true love of soul mates.
With this love, I grew stronger. I knew what I wanted and what ever I wanted to grow business wise. My hidden dream long forgotten. But with this supportive man always there to make me feel safe and telling me to go for it I could take on the world.
Until a day, where my mom invited me to yet another conference I didn’t want to go to.
My poor mom always tried to get me to hear Gods voice, but I was just so rebellious, feeling that I was never good enough for her she just needed to change me. But these feelings were never founded on the truth.
But that day, about age 21 I stood in a line with my bad attitude and irritable being forced by this woman to be prayed for along with everyone els. And God revealed something to me.
Not by the woman with an amazing testimony praying for me, sorry to say, I couldn’t even hear what she prayed at the time. Nope, afterwards.
A strange, bold, loud and dressed in a brightly colored almost Hawaiian shirt guy, that overly excitedly ran up to me calling me out. Declaring his vision of me behind a piano worshipping my King.
I walked away thinking (I am embarrass to say)… WEIRDO!
What was he on about? I can’t play piano, haven’t sung since grd 7. I don’t write music or anything for that matter can’t even spell (no really, I am BAD thank God for spellcheck ), and never mind Gospel, I walked away with the feeling that these Christian extremists should really check their words and people who speak them out. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t anti God, I was just anti my poor moms guidance – typical rebellious young adult I suppose. My poor mother, she had her days filled praying for me I am sure.
But that day, something broke open in me- a desire.
It wasn’t until 9 years later, at the death of my Father, that God gave me my first taste of His power. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was His Holy Spirit that filled my pen with breakthrough of healing ink, my start and my release of the pain that I had grown within me that would become the start of my relationship with the Word and the heart of the Father. A craving for Him that consumed me.
I came across a phrase the other morning that depicts this journey of mine:-
“God isn’t looking for great people, but rather for people who will dare to prove the greatness of their God.” STREAMS IN THE DESERT, L.B.Cowman.
It’s now been 8 years of God kneading me, forming me and this world painfully breaking me for God to be able to shape my heart into what He needs it to be.
Many days I listen to the words He constantly flows through my pen and it fills my heart with such joy to hear His voice and be able to flow it through ink onto a page. Not a day has He kept it from me, but there have been days that I haven’t wanted to hear. I have had feelings of “Why God? Why do you keep giving these words if it’s so hard for me to share it with Your people? Why do you make me hear, but people don’t seem to want to hear it or share in the excitement in it with me? Why do you give me so much but I have no avenue to release it? Why do I keep going, keep writing and keep stringing the melody if it will never make it off my iPad???
But I would drown in the words shaken over me if I didn’t. The words flood my mind and consume my thoughts if I don’t put it down and finish the song. The craving just grows to keep going and growing In the word He gives. So… I keep writing, I kept trying and I kept practicing and nudging at doors and avenues trusting Him all the while for His outcome.
Well His outcome isn’t always what we think it should be is it?
Where my heart is for community and to be apart of a team, where my heart is for people to be as excited about Gods word and His song as I am, and where my heart is to share His love and incredible peace that only He can give. Where my heart has been to be in His church and in my SA heritage, my breakthrough for these songs have been far away across the seas.
My breakthrough song a song I didn’t even wright for me!
But as I write these words and as I hear the tune while I listen to the song that is released beyond what I expected a story I wrote for an artist to sing not for my own voice, I realize without even knowing, that the song that was written from a life of two beautiful souls finding love, inspired by an incredibly strong woman that fought her battles for her son, and a love God gave her. My revelation of these feelings of unloveable has been mine after all.
I want to be apart of a band that writes music for our King, I want to be apart of hearts longing to hear Gods voice in song, and I want to share what God gives, encouraging others to push deeper into their cravings for more of Him, to not suppress and hide their dreams. I want to be who God needs me to be. But in this journey I have seen, that He has plan for me, not always the plan I have envisioned, no. But it’s always a plan greater than my expectations.
This song that was not mine, was mine indeed. Another part of my journey to release things from the past to move forward in the realization that My God loves me!
He loves me so much that He takes such care and time to mold my heart in the time while I feel frustrated and impatient, and then… there comes a day where He shows me what He has been doing.
As I sat looking at the reality of the release of my very first single, encouraged by my new found co writer and partner in this walk, a man that lives so far across the seas but that believes in me and more so in God. I pondered for a week of how it would be received. But today as I woke up and saw Isaac released it for me. My revelation is, that I don’t need to be your cup of tea. My song doesn’t need to be your cup of tea, because I am – ‘NOT unloveable’
I am Loved by my King.
I pray this song if nothing els, will encourage you to keep pushing in to Father God. Be patient when it is the least thing you want to be, but don’t ever stop growing in Gods word. Don’t ever stop believing that He is busy with you even when you can’t see.
Colossians 2:6 ‘So then, just as you received Christ as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him!’
Grow Your relationship in His word- He wants you to see that you are LOVE-ABLE to Him.
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